I Was Self-Diagnosed With Asocial Personality Disorder, Here’s How?

I am writing this article too late. But until now, I see myself with an asocial personality disorder. Here's how it happened.

I wasn't always this person, but it slowly had grown onto me. It all started when I was a 9th grader in high school. It was a massive shift from the relative success when I was at the end of middle school. Back then, I had lots of friends and trampled on my potential. I participated in Science Olympiad, started my YouTube channel as a music-based channel, and created a Wix website (like the one you're reading right now). But when I look at my middle school now, I was somewhat an asocial person. I only meet up with numerous friends during school and never actively pursue one of them. I thought of those "friends" as my friends, but I never actively worked on their relationship, nothing to deal with romantic ones. I did not know that making friends would be that deep.

When I entered high school in 9th grade, I refused to conform to everyone else. Like most schools, my high school has some clubs. I joined one, but it was not a good one. I still devoted myself to making my YouTube channel and getting it to work with little to no avail. Besides that, I still met my friends during class but never asked them to come to my house or go to theirs for whatever reason, even for a study session. One exception was during one English project about The Odyssey. My group and I met at Starbucks to work on the project. However, I was so much into perfectionism and high standards that it brought down group morale. It got to the point that my English teacher requested me to do a PowerPoint entirely on my own. And I thought that I made a good one.

In English class, it got to the point that I was unlike everyone else. But I never attempted to take advantage of it because of my lack of interest. Like in middle school, I barely tried to invite my classroom friends into my house in my own time and even tried to get into my friend's house. And I thought that I got away from it due to my intense focus on studying. As a result, I didn't learn much; I finished homework quickly and had all the free time needed. But even when I was making YouTube videos, I never took the opportunity to connect with others like me.

"...I see myself as a socially-selective person. I pick out the best people in my circle. I pick out people who have proof that they have something I want."

During this time, I always dreamed myself to be an isolationist. I don't want anyone to look over what I am doing because of the need to be entirely self-sufficient. I knew that I didn't have the skills to meet with friends, let alone sustain them. You probably don't know this, but I see myself as a socially-selective person. I pick out the best people in my circle. I pick out people who have proof that they have something I want. Let me give you an example. In choir class, I picked out a friend who played a bit of piano. He was an older lad who played a part of "Claire de Lune" not fluently. I asked him more about the piano, and I bonded with him. If you have some proof of something I'm looking for, I can be friends with you.

Although my first high school year was quite average for a high-achieving student, I was barely successful at home. Not only my YouTube channel was not doing so well, but I also couldn't handle the struggles from my parents. My parents were disappointed because they knew I couldn't do the stuff young people can do. My father, in particular, would often think that I never listened and never would do as he intended. One time, my father asked me to vacuum the closet door. I asked him two more times for clarity, but I couldn't get a word of what he was saying every time. So, I quit the task. And he decided to ground me for a week or two. What did this all mean was that I have trust issues. Because I don't see myself as trustworthy to my parents, I don't see myself dedicated to my friends. And that struggle raged on as time went on.

When COVID hit the States in March of my 9th-grade year, everyone must return home and study there. Only this time, they don't have to go to school and don't have to do the work. Like most high-achieving students, I attended classes, and I found them quite fulfilling. But now, I no longer have the opportunity to meet up with my classroom friends due to quarantine.

I thought of the COVID as a good thing because now I have more time to work on my YouTube videos, something I was definitely looking for. But the, COVID negatively affected me in that I cannot work on improving my friendships with some friends I know. So now, my opportunity to escape my unheard-of social personality disorder was delayed for how long would it take (I thought of it like 5 years).

Two years later, I heard that school would be in-person. So, I prepared myself and got ready for school. At this point, everything went back to normal until around a couple of months later. I was at home, and I watched a video from Hafu Go where he toured many very prestigious universities, like the top UCs, Stanford, Harvard, etc. From one of those videos, he mentioned the video's sponsor, CollegeAdvisor. It's an app where I can manage what colleges I'm looking for and work on my college essays. So, I went there, signed up, and picked my favorite colleges to apply to (mostly selective ones and a couple of local ones, and others I know).

I left CollegeAdvisor as it was for a while until they decided to call me at the wrong time of the day. Here's how it happened. I was about to go to my English class, and there was a missed phone call, which turned out to be from one of the phone callers from CollegeAdvisor. They asked me whether or not I wanted to talk with them for an appointment over the strategies to improve my college essay. I thought of myself,

"I'm busy right now! I don't have time right now."

So, I closed the phone and went as usual. This situation happened every 2-3 days until there was a phone call from them again. But this time, I was about to go to my Physical Education class, where I stood next to the locker room until the bell rang. The phone rang, and I picked it up. They asked me about an appointment with someone who knows what they are doing. I agreed to it, but I didn't accept the appointment time due to time overlap. I closed the phone and went on as usual.

The next day, while I was going home, the phone rang, and I picked it up. I requested a change in the schedule, and they got it to work. I went home and told my mom about CollegeAdvisor and the appointment. After that, I went upstairs, grabbed my personal laptop, downloaded Zoom (they don't like Discord), and opened the meeting with my mom. Apparently, the counselor was an African American who posed himself as a salesperson, but I didn't know that. I told him that I have a 4.16 GPA and weak extracurriculars. I played guitar and piano, sang in my school choir, got into the district choir program, got around 125 subscribers on YouTube, and that's it. The counselor knew that my extracurriculars were no good for the colleges I was applying to and gave me an outrageous set of plans. The counselor didn't know this, but my mom and I rejected all his subscription plans and left CollegeAdvisor. And that hit me. I knew that I needed a strategy to boost myself.

The site doesn't give me the pricing for the plans exactly, but they were extremely expensive. He even tried to cut half the price and said that was a good deal.

I told everyone I knew about my weak extracurriculars and the outrageous college plans the next day. Most of them, particularly those I know very well, thought that I had some good ones and could use them to the best I could. My conversation was about getting to the best college possible by that point. What's worse was that my stable job would be a software developer. That job "required" a computer science degree, which became notoriously competitive. I even told that to some friends of mine, and even they, particularly the 12th graders, found that competitive. I was not that good at making relationships, as you can probably tell. You can call me selfish, and I wouldn't wrong you for that.

A couple of days later, my friend suggested to me some clubs that I could join late, and that was how I got into my first real club, Science Olympiad. I have a blonde-haired friend who was at the club and was in relatively the same classes as me. (our math, physical education, and English classes are at different periods) Fortunately, he hadn't started in any of his chosen events, which proved an opportunity for me. Worst yet, we only had around two months before the competition. So, we must get our toes ready.

If you haven't read my previous blog regarding my decision to make this website in the first place, let me recap what happened in this tiny segment there. I chose three events: bright, chemistry lab, and dynamic planet. First, I carried the school through my bridge, which my father and I built, without my friend's help. Then, I did some studying for the chemistry lab and the dynamic planet, which was enough to place me 5th and 8th in their respective tournaments. After that, my leader decided to renew for the next year and got a couple of new members. My friend, leader, and I had a separate meeting where we discussed plans to improve and get into at least state. My leader has a plan for an election where we can elect for a leadership position there. I was a treasurer, but I got in because nobody else was running for it. My blond-haired friend won vice president, and he has a clear advantage over the other two on that field.

Besides being in Science Olympiad, I started reading tips on developing better friendships. I thought of myself as a loser due to reading internet articles about being lonely and having poor social skills. But I read them, felt uncomfortable, implemented one part of them within my friendship circle, and continued. It got to the point that I got back to relatively where I was at middle school, and I was pretty happy about that. But I got back to where I was a middle school. I was still a socially-selective person and was still a competitive person, looking for the best opportunities within my niche.

"...I see myself as a socially-selective person. I pick out the best people in my circle. I pick out people who have proof that they have something I want."

One thing that helped me bypass the asocial personality disorder was befriending a younger Indian person. He and I shared the same physical education class together, and I became more open to him. I told him about my interests and careers, the YouTube channels I frequently watched, my view of the world, some random facts, and hot button topics, like wars. It got to the point that you can get rid of every friend I have except that person. But, I have some sort of bonding with him, and he seemed very empathetic to my struggles. I thought that I was The Catcher in the Rye.

As a 16-year-old, I still struggle with an asocial personality disorder. But that problem is becoming less and less of a threat. I am still a socially-selective person and prefer picking a person who has something I'm looking for, basically a billionaire businessman. I still must find a balance between friends and potential employees. I still need to find ways to break out of the asocial personality disorder and fully embrace myself with reliable friends who can be potential employees.

Am I going to achieve this goal in 2 weeks and on?

I don't know

But am I going to learn more about myself?

Yes

I will still take steps back like this and keep writing to reflect on my unconscious actions. So, I can improve on them and be more informed about the world around me. I wondered if there was a person who was like me and could immerse himself through this blog. So, while the world is changing and changing, I will keep reflecting and reflecting. And I will see you on the next blog.

If you're interested, you can go to CollegeAdvisor ...